WELCOME TO ALT.TASTELESS
1. What is alt.tasteless?
A newsgroup devoted to tasteless phenomena in all its forms. A place
for people with a twisted and sick sense of humour. In alt.tasteless we
like to get into the details. Short jokes have their forum in
alt.tasteless.jokes. We want the feel of it, the smell of it, the stench
of it, every little rotten and puss-oozing detail. And then of course,
some rough GIFs of it in alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless. You should
never post GIFs to alt.tasteless, as it might cause some news admins to
kill the group at their site.
Some examples of popular alt.tasteless posts:
The joys of raping; epileptics / the dead / pregnants / minors / small
furry animals with big wet eyes.
"The worst (scrotal/nasal/rectal) operation I've ever had."
The joys of; vomiting / farting / pissing / shitting / picking your nose
/ masturbating / menses / giving birth to children / sweating / slobber-
ing.
Tasteless sex acts.
But tastes differ even within the tasteless kingdom. Some like a sto-
ry of a little boy sitting on the throne shouting "Me go plop-plop! Me
go plop-plop!" Whereas others favour the weeping spastic on the toilet,
desperately struggling not to miss the bowl screaming, "Me go plop-plop!
Me go plop-plop!" The first is a simple example of pleasure in taking a
dump (which is per definition tasteless - not to say forbidden: things
you shouldn't talk about coming out a hole you shouldn't talk about mak-
ing a sound you should discuss in every detail... err, sorry making a
sound you shouldn't talk about). The second example brings more sophis-
tication and delicacy into the sordid affair, and is thus labeled as be-
ing more 'mature,' the name of the label apparently chosen because inno-
cent children (or innocent adults, for that matter) will not find it
funny, except perhaps the "plop-plop!" bit. This difference in taste was
debated a while ago and ended thus:
> I'm confused. Could someone explain the concept of intelligent,
> mature tastelessness.
Original, non-monotonous material, either based on fact or vividly
graphic or repulsive image provking, command of spelling and grammar to
the level of comprehensible.
Examples of !(not)tastelessness: boring fiction, recycled fraternity
jokes, excessive pointless profanity, vanilla sex, elementary playground
'eww gross' urban legends, license plates, funny names, 90% of all flam-
ing, "Because his dick tastes of blood," "Hearing the pelvic bone snap,"
"Oops, I farted," all the other short jokes, _Exploding Whale_, _Scrotum
self-repair_ and _flaming gerbil up the ass_, as well as some others.
Post your own creations. Get the old stuff at our ftp site, and tire of
it in the comfort of your own living room.
Additionally, please note that this is not alt.tacky or
alt.bad.taste. This means that merely saying "Bee Gees, ha ha ha" is not
enough, you will generally have to couple it with something really
tasteless to make other people laugh. Yes, we have heard zillions of
puke and huge bowel movement stories. But don't let that keep you from
posting one, much rather should raise your much rather this should raise
your ambitions and thus the quality of your story.
Flaming is usually a practice one should keep to the dedicated group,
alt.flame. Alt.tasteless is not a place for flames, even if there's a
good one every now and then. Every now and then means that average
stupidity won't earn you a flame. Alt.tasteless denizens are more into
harassment.
Then having sussed out that your post is too interesting, intelli-
gent, sick, twisted and funny to be wasted in alt.tasteless.jokes,
rec.humor, alt.evil, sci.med, alt.stupidity, alt.sex.bestiality,
alt.urban.legend, soc.college and so on, you choose alt.tasteless and
post. The group is unmoderated and the subject line of your article will
be seen by hundreds of thousands of people worldwide. WOW! What will
happen next?
1. Some will ignore it.
2. Some will read part of it, then skip to the next article.
3. Some will read the whole thing.
4. Some will archive it, and forward it to a lot of people.
5. Maybe one, or more people will reply to you telling you what
they thought of the article. They might even follow it up if
they have something to add.
This is sadly the ideal picture. People will follow-up even though
they have nothing to add, although you have to suffer from a severe case
of tasteless talent and luck to ever experience case 4 and 5. Some very
good tasteless posts have generated absolutely no response, or in other
words the same response as you'd get if you wrote it on a piece of paper
only to flush it out the toilet. Then why post?
Because you fucking feel like it!
Every now and then a dickless weasel constipated on his own religion
or set of values will bother the noble freethinkers in a.t. with his
standard "This is not funny" drivel. Best thing is to ignore him, next
to mailing him with the likewise standard reply "Then why do you read
it?" A follow-up is not a good solution here, unless you choose to flame
him to ashes in such an inspired way that the readers of alt.tasteless
also benefits (and this is very very hard). YOU ARE THEN STRONGLY EN-
COURAGED TO SET THE FOLLOW-UP TAG TO: 'Followup-To: alt.flame.' After
all, we have important work to do here. This formal information may make
alt.tasteless seem like a terribly boring place, but all the stuff that
has been recommended (not commanded!) thus far has been recommended in
order to make the newsgroup (believe it or not) more chaotic, and not a
boring newsgroup with 3 month cycles.
It's our hope that you'll now feel WELCOME IN ALT.TASTELESS!
Post quality. Encourage quality. Discourage crap.
That's the simple secret to keeping alt.tasteless a living forum and
community. We'd rather see 12 good posts in a year from your keyboard
than 12 crap ones a week. You'll even get more respect that way. Also,
thank people for amusing you. That's the only payment they get. Don't be
afraid to tell badly educated idiots to shape up. That's probably the
only education they'll get, and if they can't take the heat, they don't
belong.
The rest of this document is dedicated to your education and amuse-
ment, but if you wish to perform chapter skipping/browsing, tell your
editor to search for the character "|", and it'll take you to the next
chapter. In the nn newsreader this can be done by pressing "/", "|" and
"[ENTER]".
The items on the menu are:
o A boring dictionary,
o An informative encyclopedia,
o An amusing 'Answers to Frequently Asked Questions' part,
o Some not all that amusing, but still worthwhile information.
| THE ALT.TASTELESS PHRASE BOOK/DICTIONARY
This attempt is in no way complete, and aimed at people generally new
the net.
:-)
Tilt your head to the right. Yep, it's a cock about to penetrate.
Figures like this one are used when people have just said something
naughty, sort of a "Know what I mean know what I mean nudge nudge
wink wink say no more say no more."
*[word]*:
Asterisks are used either for *emphasis*, or to indicate that it's a
sound... like, *plop* *plop* *plop* ("Buaah, I want to die because I'm
a spastic").
AKA: Also Known As.
AMPALLANG:
Piercing of the glans of the penis (the head). Runs horizontally above
the urethra and has origins in Borneo.
APADRAVYA:
Vertical piercing through the glans, or sometimes through the shaft of
the penis, just behind the glans. Mentioned in the original Kama Su-
tra.
ASAP: As Soon As Possible.
BEARS:
Person, usually male, whose physical characteristics tend toward the
husky and hirsute.
BTW: By The Way.
CASCADE: Netnews' public chain letter. Add a line and feel proud.
CHOAD: See somewhere below.
CHURD: A fecal dildo.
DURIAN:
Large oval tasty but foul-smelling fruit with a prickly rind. Comes
from an East Indian tree, who shall remain nameless.
DYDOE:
Piercing through the ridge of the glans, usually done on the side of
the head and often in pairs. This piercing was originally done by Jew-
ish men who wished to enhance their sexual pleasure (which they
thought had been diminished by circumcision).
FECO-STALAGMITE:
Euphemism denoting the majestic molehill of shit found nesting in the
bowl of clogged toilets.
FELCHING:
Sucking cum out of an arsehole. Who/what the cum and arsehole belongs
to is up to your imagination and health standards. If you have trouble
reaching, use a straw. The Kakasutra will tell a bit more.
FRENUM:
Piercing through the skin of the penis, on the underside just behind
the glans. Often a large ring that circles the penis under the ridge
of the glans is worn through this piercing. This provides stimulation
to both partners during intercourse and acts much like a cock ring.
FTP:
File Transfer Protocol. The program that makes it possible for you to
get stuff stored at other sites, be it GIF-viewers or demented
stories. News.answers has a monthly posting about FTP'ing. You can
also send mail to mail-server@rtfm.mit.with with the body of the mes-
sage reading "help" or, "send usenet/news.answers/finding-sources"
GIF:
Graphic Interchange Format. A picture format common on the net.
news.answers has an informational posting on the alt.binaries.pictures
groups where all is explained.
GOPHER:
A client that makes you browse the net with ease. Comp.infosystems.
gopher will help you. Or just type 'gopher' at your prompt and see
what happens.
GUICHE:
Piercing of the web of flesh that runs between the anus and the scro-
tum. A weight is often suspended from a guiche.
GROGAN: A piece of shit.
HAFADA:
Piercing on the side of the scrotal sac originally done to Arab boys
as a rite of passage.
HAGGIS:
Scottish delicacy made by filling a sheeps paunch with ground intes-
tines, barley and a shot of scotch.
IMHO: In My Hog-fucking Opinion.
IRC:
Inter Relay Conference/Chat, a program that lets you 'talk' to other
users. Your site might have it, type 'irc' and see what happens. You
will might stumble into tasteless discussions. The 1st global
alt.tasteless IRC party lasted for around 6 hours with a total of 67
participants.
JIC: Just In Case.
JPEG or JPG:
Another digital picture format. Like GIF. News.answers and the groups
in the alt.binaries.pictures hierarcy has monthly postings on the sub-
ject.
KAKA SUTRA:
Affectionate name for _The Canonical List of Tasteless Sex Acts_.
KILLFILE:
A feature in most newsreaders. If you put a person in your kill file,
your newsreader will ignore articles by that person. Read the man
pages of your newsreader to find out how it works, or ask locally.
After the introduction of killfiles there's absolutely no excuse for
wasting other peoples time with sour 4-line follow-ups.
LJBF:
"Let's Just Be Friends." Sentence usually uttered by girl when offered
a good squicking.
MOTSS: Member of The Same Sex.
OB:
Usually a prefix to ObTasteless. Ob means 'obligatory,' and you usual-
ly append an ObTasteless at the end of your post if it hasn't been
sufficiently tasteless. Later in this article you can see how the Ob
is used.
OOBE:
Out Of Body Experience. Something you experience during a very good
shit.
PRINCE AlBERT:
Piercing that consists of a ring which goes through the urethra and
out behind the glans.
QUEEF: Pussy fart, vart, fanny fart.
QUEEN KRISTINA: Piercing of the clitoris hood.
REAMING: Getting fucked vigorously up the colon.
RIMMING: Sphincter licking.
RTFM:
Read The Fucking Manual. In alt.tasteless this will almost always be
the alt.tasteless Kama Sutra (See www-site).
SIC: 'Yes, though hard to believe, this is, in fact, an exact quote.'
SO: Significant Other, will generally mean your loved one.
SQUICKING: See this post or 'Tasteless sex acts'.
TWINK(IE):
Generally, a cute young (male) thing (CYT). Known as "golden, cream-
filled, and ready to be eaten." (Etymology: In the US, Twinkies(tm)
are snack cakes with these same properties.)
VOMIT-STALACTITE:
AKA Stalactovomite: the result of puking on the ceiling.
WRT: With Reference/Respect To.
WAIS: Wide Area Information Server. Learn in comp.infosystems.wais
WWW:
World Wide Web. Net.wide global hypertext. Read comp.infosystems.www.
| ENCYCLOPEDIA HORRIBLIUS
ASSWIPING
Most male alt.tastelessers wipe front to back with their right hand,
usually sitting, leaning invitingly to the left. All look at the paper
after the wipe, and some taste and kiss it.
BUMPER-STICKER
If you or your friends or your family (or the family next door) would
like your very own official "Save the CHOAD!" bumper sticker for only
$2 each (very cheap), e-mail doc@mcs.com to get more details. In the
words of The Maker: "Tasteless denizens everywhere can now identify
themselves to other tasteless bastards!"
CHOAD
A long-neglected and abused synonym for "penis," the word "choad"
dates back a good long time. We think maybe it's from Middle English
but we're all too damned lazy to check the OED. Anyway, while kept
barely alive during the resurrection and a re-erection on
alt.tasteless. The tireless literary antics of David Garrett and Adam
Thornton (garrett@math.rice.edu and adam@owlnet.rice.edu) have nearly
succeeded in revamping the word, bringing it to its full turgid glory.
It has been reported that Beavis and Butthead have been known to use
the word "choad" and the more common compound noun "choadsmoker" to
mean, roughly, "a gobbler of nobs." The next time you're about to
casually toss off a reference to a "willy," a "wankie," a "dick," a
"Throbbing PleasureProng (TM)," a "Purple-Headed SnotNazi (TM)," or a
"schlong," think again, and substitute the word "choad" instead. Be-
come a Friend of the Choad: make it possible for the choad to once
again roam the vocabularies of the world, its head held proudly erect.
A choadstool is then what we call the fungal growth found on an
unwashed scrotum.
CUNT
A cunt by any other name, its smell as rank. Cunt is "Vittu" [v!too]
in Finnish, and "Pusquish" [pus squish] in Cree. The Germans yell
"Fotze" [fawt-tse] under normal circumstances, and "MOse" when they
want to indicate that the cunt in question is slightly smaller, a lit-
tle pinkier and more wet than the usual slobbering crotch wound.
DOGS
Are frequently rather tasteless. Apart from eating the fecal matter of
almost any other mammal, they are also pretty keen on tampons, condoms
and socks. It might be a profound wish for another tail that makes
the dogs eat these objects that'll inevitable end up hanging out their
puss-oozing and mite-ridden asses. They're also familiar with shitting
and vomiting in the living room. The life of a canine is one long par-
ty.
DRUGS
A recommendation: Take all, and in as large quantities as possible.
We especially recommend Dimethyl Sulfate. Not only does it randomly
unwind and reform your DNA profile, it has also "been known to cause
spontaneous cancerous lesions in rats." The official warning contin-
ues: "Extremely hazardous. No warning characteristics (e.g. odour, ir-
ritation). Delayed appearance of symptoms may permit unnoticed expo-
sure to lethal quantities. Liquid produces severe blistering, necrosis
of the skin... Vapours, after relatively asymptomatic latent period,
cause severe inflammation and necrosis of the eyes, mouth, respiratory
tract. Severe and fatal pulmonary damage may result. Systematically
causes prostration, convulsions, delerium, paralysis, coma, delayed
damage to kidneys, liver, heart with ensuing death in severe cases" -
"Have a big night on DMS and come home in a bucket."
EXPLOSIVES
We will of course help you getting disfigured enough for us to be
amused, so here's what you do if you're too afraid to ask the
alt.pyrotechnics experts how to make acetone peroxide or some other
funny stuff.
Get the US Army Technical Manual 31-210 1969, _Improvised Munitions
Handbook_. The Improvised Munitions Handbook generally gets okay re-
views; it contains a whole bunch of recipes for making explosives etc.
out of handy chemicals. You can get it from several sources, gun
shows, or for $5 from Sierra Supply. Sierra Supply, PO Box 1390
Durango, CO, 81302 (303)-259-1822. Sierra sells a bunch of army
surplus stuff, including technical manuals such as the Improvised Mun-
itions Handbook. Sierra has a $10 minimum order + $4 postage. Cata-
log $1.
I believe Paladin Press also distributes this series and they will
mail overseas. Other good sources are _The Poor Mans James Bond_, and
_The Anarchists Cookbook_. They can be found in most large bookshops.
Or ftp to ftp.spies.com /Library/Untech and get what they have.
JOKES
Alt.tasteless.jokes is now taking care of all the short jokes.
Rec.humor has the _Canonical List of [rude, mommy mommy, dead baby
etc. etc.]_ jokes. Ask them. Or get them from our ftp site (details
somewhere below).
NAMBLA
The North American Man/Boy Love Association is a civil
rights/political organization. They support CONSENSUAL intergenera-
tional relationships and help educate society about the true nature of
such relationships. NAMBLA publishes a Bulletin ten times a year which
is sent by first class mail to its members. (It includes news,
feature articles, letters, book reviews, short stories, etc.)
They also publish a literary Journal (literary gifted alt.tastelessers
take note, this might be your way to fame), books and other material
(all of which are strictly legal).
For further discussions contact Roy Radow (radow@netcom.com). He is
their spokesperson on the net. For a packet containing a sample Bul-
letin, publications list and membership information send $1.00 postage
to: NAMBLA Info, Dept.RR, PO Box 174, Midtown Station, NYC NY 10018.
SHIT
The brown color of feces is caused by stercobilin and urobilin, which
are derivatives of bilirubin. Bilirubin, a main constituent of bile,
is derived from breakdown products of dead red blood cells, specifi-
cally the toxic parts of the heme ring from hemoglobin molecules.
That's why athletes on steroids have white shit: the steroids fuck up
the liver so it can't throw the toxic stuff into the feces where it
belongs.
The odor is caused principally by the products of bacterial action;
these vary from one person to another, depending on each person's
colonic bacterial flora and on the type of food eaten. The actual
odoriferous products include indole, skatole, mercaptans, and hydrogen
sulfide. Eating lots of fat will give you the nastiest smelling shits
if you make sure it doesn't stay in the colon for too long. A pound of
pork chops followed by gin, a laxative or an enema is a sure winner
among scatological connaisseurs.
SMEGMA
A cheesy, sebaceous secretion that forms between the foreskin and the
glans of the penis of male mammals. Having smelt it few have the nerve
to coat their tongue with it or swallow it. A shame really as this
homegrown product easily outcompetes the flavours of all the cheeses
made from milk (except the cheese made from dingo's milk).
SOOTIKIN OR SUTIKIN
A small, mouse-shaped deposit formed in the vaginal cleft, usually of
poorer women who did not wear undergarments - common until the
nineteenth century. A sootikin built up over several weeks, even
months, of not washing. It was composed of particles of soot, dirt,
sweat, smegma (qv) and vaginal and menstrual discharge. When it
reached a certain size and weight, it tended to work loose and drop
from under the woman's skirt. Contemporary writings, including those
of Pepys and Boswell, mention men employed in London churches to sweep
up sootikins after services. There even exists one scurrilous ac-
count, from an anonymous source, of a tell-tale sootikin being al-
legedly found under or suspiciously close to - Queen Anne's chair in
St Paul's Cathedral during the Thanksgiving Service for the end of the
War of the Spanish Succession.
SQUICKING (see also 'Tasteless Sex Acts')
The practice one takes up when skull fucking becomes tedious. Skull
fucking is the easiest of the two acts, as you only have to remove
your partners eye to get somewhere to stick your thingie. A proper
squicking requires you to trephine your partner (make a hole in your
partners skull) and pork its brain this way. Aiming for the gap
between the two hemispheres is said to provide you with firestorming
orgasms. Geoff Miller comments: "I posted that a year ago, and I *made
it up!* I just figured that was the only activity that would make a
'squicking' noise, with the possible exception of slipping the salami
to a sucking chest wound." Mr. Miller himself prefers the basic
squicking where the hole is located at the top of the head. Caza (a
French comic artist) has this description accompaining a picture of
prime squicking: "The wound that never heals, the scar after the sac-
rificial act gaped rosy red and soft, shining and new... infinitely
virginal... Having bathed a whole world in blood, commander Aries de-
filed Lailahs brow with his spunk." The name of the comic is 'Lailah'
and it also has a good story about a man getting raped by a
frog/woman. If you like Corben, this might be a comic for you. Scott
M Hampton has also mentioned _Woulffes Guide To Practical Squicking_
as a fine introduction to squicking. It goes like this:
Tools: A hammer and chisel, a quarter round wood rasp, a hand drill
with at least a 3/8" metal cutting bit (not a spade drill, damn it),
and a ink pen.
Supplies: A partner, and suitable restraints. You may want some rags.
Preparation: Tie partner (victim, partner, the difference is a subtle
thing best left to linguists with free time. There's fun to be had
now.) securely. Make certain the forehead is available and clean.
Make a horizontal line about 2" above the eyebrows. Mark the center of
the line between your partners eyebrows. Assemble tools, placing drill
bit securely in chuck. Plug drill in. Get a beer, prepare yourself
mentally. This is going to be great!
Proceedure: Drill hole thru skull at mark on forehead. Using chisel
and hammer, open the hole up to about 1/4" larger than your ManTool
(TM Geoff). Then, use the rasp to knock off the rough spots -- no
sense getting any scratches or scrapes on the ol Piston of Love. At
this point you can pause and remove the restraints on your partner
'cause they aren't moving much by now. Position your partner for max-
imum comfort and pleasure -- no, you idiot -- YOUR pleasure. Harumph.
Now, slide your engorged PleasureSnake slowly between your partners
frontal hemispheres. The involuntary twitches this produces are one of
the most pleasant sensations known to man. Real men, that is. If you
were a neatness weenie and wiped up all the external blood, it may
take a while for the internal bleeding to make the ride smooth, but
otherwise there is plenty of lube for the job right at hand. Pump
hearty, you are in for the orgasm of a lifetime!
Clean up: Dispose of partner in an environmentally sound way, such as
roast and stew meat. Happy eating!
The variations are of course endless. The guru in this field is Geoff
Miller (geoffm@netcom.com). But please do only contact him in expert
matters concerning squicking, as he cannot spend time learning newbies
vanilla squicking.
Squick is also used as a synonym for 'being pushed beyond ones limits'
in alt.sex.bondage. Therefore you'll sometimes experience people using
the word (i.e.: "That article really squicked me" or, "He squicked my
arsehole.")
THE STOOL GAME
(From 'Tasteless Sex Acts')
case@diku.dk:
THE STOOL GAME
official rules
Two men sit in front of each other in a bathtub wanking. When the
spunk/water amount is 50:50, you start playing. Both put their feet on
the sides of the bathtub, and try to push their stool as far out as
they can, without losing it. It's extremely funny pushing it far out,
then pulling it in again, and many experience a wonderful orgasm dur-
ing this play. The winner is the man that can push the stool the most
far out, and then still be able to retract it.
One suggested variation is to trade a stool back and forth, the loser
being the one to "drop" the stool. Not to be confused with the almost
similar Wicca ritual.
THE ALT.TASTELESS T-SHIRT
The T-Shirts are Hanes Beefy, printed on both sides (a small
alt.tasteless bit on the front, the Fuck the Skull of Jesus on the
back).
They cost is US$ 16 each. And they're all gobe now. Sorry.
Thanks to caz@hopf.dnai.com (Glenn A. Cazenave) for doing them.
URINE
Can just as shit be perceived by all 5 senses and the special 6th bo-
dily fluid sense that the old time alt.tastelesser unavoidably
develops, so I will not go into detail with the rancid bladdersplash
itself. Rather the info will concern its sterility; can we safely
drink it? Yes, we can.
How ones body responds to this refreshment depends on a number of
things, the most important being the concentration of waste products
in this wine for gods. If you drink someone's urine after they've had
a sixpack, your kidneys will not be overworked with the extra waste
products, but it may not then have the desired
taste/smell/consistency. To help your kidneys you should always drink
a lot of water after your pee-games. You could for example follow the
piss-quaffing up with the drowning games (I for one, always tend to
drink a lot of water during these).
The Berserkers (rough translation: The Bear Vests) were a happy tribe
of Vikings in Denmark around year 800 that had a habit of going ber-
serk. My history book informs me that they used the alkaloid amanitin
found in the mushroom Amanita. The trick was to boil the mushroom, let
the strongest warrior drink the stuff, and have the other drink his
piss, a trick also known among Siberian, Lappish and Finnish tribes.
The participants got moderately stoned and generally managed some
transcendental experience. This practice is described as limited ex-
clusively to men. The mushroom, Amanita Muscaria/Fly Agaric/Fluesvamp
produces less nausea when it has been filtered in another humans body.
Most people dismiss the idea that the mushroom was used to induce ber-
serker rage, as the mushroom doesn't work that way. The prospect of
killing, raping and mutilating other human beings should be suffi-
cient. If you're going to eat mushrooms, drink piss etc., stick to the
mushrooms with psilocybes in them. They are much more effective.
The most famous pee-drinker was good ol' Mahatma Gandhi. His mornings
would start with him emptying his potty in a good swig, allegedly for
'The health of the spirit.' Truly the sign of a great statesman. Prime
Minister Morarji Desai followed in the piss trickle and drank piss
each morning when he reigned (1977-1979). Lucky were the other leaders
that had conversations with him on mornings where he had forgot to
brush his teeth. No information as to the pee-drinking habits of the
current Indian prime minister. Why drink pee then?
The scientific explanation is that urine, and morning urine in partic-
ular, contains high amounts of melatonine, which is a hormone produced
by the epiphyse during the night. Apart from having a soothing and
pain-killing effect melatonine also cheats the body into believing
that it has slept more than it actually has. This manifests itself as
a feeling of well-being and refreshment. The piss of sexually imma-
ture children contains more melatonine than adult piss, which explains
the exhilaration one feels when lapping up infant piss. I have for one
always been sure that the happiness wasn't just psychological. So
Maybe you should spend more time as I: lurking in the bushes near the
playground forcing the kids to piss in my smurf beer mug. You'll feel
much better and much more equanimous. Cheers.
Oh, and while we're at it, don't eat asparagus before drinking your
pee. Asparagus has an amino acid in it that makes your yellow drops
smell horribly, as well as changing the taste. And don't drink piss
from a person with a contagious disease unless you really want it.
Speaking of that, John Hollister (bb05246@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu)
is the current piss adviser of alt.tasteless. Ask him anything wee wee
related you like, he'll be happy to help you.
VEGEMITE
Can be bought in some health stores and isn't really the canned stool
sample that rumour claim it is. Here are some first hand experiences
with the edible caca: ``I too have had Vegemite. I found a stock in a
'health food' store. US$ 2.69 for a 4 ounce (113 gram) jar. "5
calories per serving." It has an odd, purply-brown color, and a
smooth, thick, sticky texture. The 'axle-grease' association is accu-
rate. It does indeed have quite a strong salty, yeasty flavor, and you
had better spread it on _very_ thinly. I think it looks like a sub-
stance from my native land called 'catfish dough bait,' only said bait
is a bit grainier, not as creamy. Catfish dough bait has a thick,
liverish, bloody odor to it, and appeared to be a compound of mud,
blood and pureed liver. On a hot day, opening the tub of dough bait
and inhaling deeply could give you vertigo and motion sickness. I find
it hard to believe that Marmite has a stronger, more vicious taste
than Vegemite.''
"Vegemite" has a pretty vicious aftertaste, and because of the yeast
extract, it tends to come back to you later, in belches. It's also one
of those foods with such a peculiar taste that no matter what you eat
after- wards, Vegemite is the taste that sticks with you."
"It is very strong, try a little, then impress your friends with what
looks like eating slabs of bread wiped in black excrement."
"Well, as a New Zealander, I can truthfully say that Marmite is the
only real yeast extract worth eating. Vegemite is for wimps, while
Marmite is for real men. It has a much stronger, more vicious after-
taste than Vegemite."
"It was the grossest thing I ever tasted. It's about as thick as
peanut butter, and to say it tastes like shit would be an understate-
ment."
Ingredients: Yeast extract (comes from the grunge that is left over
after the beer brewing process), sea salt, potassium chloride, malt
extract, caramel color, natural flavor, niacin, thiamine hydor-
chloride, riboflavin.
Serving size: 3.25 gram
Servings per container: 35 (big lie: I ate about a third of the con-
tainer, and it was well over 100 servings)
Cheese and Vegemite sandwiches are so common in Australia that the
manufacturer (Kraft) now sells premixed cheese & Vegemite slices (they
are a greyish colour, and very nice between buttered white bread, pos-
sibly with some lettuce)
ObTrivia: Vegemite was invented after Marmite, and for a short time
was called Parwill (get the pun? Mar mite, Par will. Ho ho!). "Vegem-
ite" was the result of a renaming contest in the 30s(?). Let it also
be known that Vegemite is available in 99% of Australian shops that
stock spreads. IE, if the shop has jam, honey or peanut butter, then
it almost certainly has Vegemite as well.
YEAST
Is not that interesting in itself. But vaginal yeast infections are a
riot. The infection occurs when the usual healthy balance between the
yeast and the bacteria in the vagina disappears. Taking antibiotics
can alter this balance. The treatment is to gulp down Lactobacillus
acidophillus (yogurt culture) and shove it up your cunt. The idea of
'tank war' (a fine stripper act) might have started when a group of
yeast-infected women could think of nothing better than to walk like
crabs, and using their vaginal muscles, shoot the yogurt at each oth-
er.
Men too can get yeast infections on the counterproductive organ, espe-
cially if he has a good sized foreskin. Yeast infections love these
nobby hide-outs. It's warm, it's moist, and there's a lot of smegma
to thrive on. Yeast infections usually shows up after some days of
hefty wanking and dubious hygiene as a reddish-radish. If you're not a
spoil sport and start washing the glans with hospital soap, you can
watch as the rash turns into little red sores that'll itch more and
more. Before good soap was invented the cure was to hold the foreskin
closed when pissing until it was bloated with piss as a frog's airbag
is bloated with air, then let fly all over yourself and the toilet.
Stuff in the urine should then clean out the yeast. Male yeast infec-
tions: For the biggest effect do the Macbeth routine and wash your
nob hysterically so it's gets completely dried out and itchy for some
time, until the body responds and produces vast amounts of smegma to
get the balance right again. This is good, but if you relentlessly
roll the foreskin back and forth while you fondle the back of your
testicles with your left hand, some sticky stuff will suddenly come
out. Smear this on the sore covered nob, and repeat until all skin has
been peeled of the radish.
| ANSWERS TO FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS/USEFUL INFORMATION:
1. My site doesn't carry alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless and/or
alt.tasteless, what can I do about it?
Best bet: Grovel at the feet of your news admin.
If that doesn't work you'll have to read it/post to it from another
site. You're smart enough to suss out how to do it yourself. Because
you know that news.answers holds the answer in one of its postings.
Namely the one called _How to Receive Banned Newsgroups FAQ_; by Joseph
Gebis. http://www.cen.uiuc.edu/~jg11772/banned-groups-faq.html to you
www-types.
2. Archives?
A.t. isn't fully archived, but some of the best articles of the year
are stored at The Official Alt.tasteless ftp-site:
ftp://oak.forest.net/pub/tasteless.
Your nice host and contact person there is Chris Kilbourn,
(kilbo@forest.net). He asks you to keep your ftp-sessions to evenings
and nights if you're situated in the US. Europeans should ftp in the
morning, and Aussies should do it high noon.
What's on it?
This is what might be on it. You should check it once in a while or read
FAQ diffs (a companion posting to this FAQ posting).
Filename Length Description
arch_92.zip 259634 Best of A.T 1992
arch_93.zip 343073 Best of A.T 1993
arch_94.zip 856145 Best of A.T 1994
arch_95.zip 603989 Best of A.T 1995
intro.zip 46565 A.T FAQ, 1994 A.T Survey
ircparty.zip 120410 Logfiles of A.T IRC parties 1992, 93, 94
The following two are really important:
tast-faq 46035 The alt.tasteless Frequently Asked Questions
File. Newbies ought to learn this by heart
before posting.
taste.law 1970 Weekly FAQ. Read this!
Then there's the standard files:
standard.zip 75709 Alt.Tasteless.Jokes joke collection [Sheesh
do these kids need to learn spelling], band
names, Joy of Vomit, Shitlist, a.t. Songs,
Mr. Ed's story, Nevyn's story, the bodily
functions survey.
standar2.zip 69457 WIRED's article on alt.tasteless, buttplug,
choad and fisting info. The scrotum self
repair, Kakasutra and King Shit postings.
There's also a good number of pictures. I'm not sure of what you'll be
able to download when you connect.
Makes your mouth water, doesn't it? There might be more or less pics
depending on the status of the tug-o-war between the noble freethinkers
and tiny-penised, narrow-minded censors with small brains and small
shoes.
Other sources for alt.tasteless literature are: ftp.spies.com
/Library/Fringe/Gross, but frankly, it sucks. /Library/Untech is prob-
ably more appealing. Good tasteless comedy is available from
cathouse.org /pub/cathouse/ Look for _Bottom_ and _Derek&Clive_.
You'll also be able to find the exploding whale news story in .AVI for-
mat there as: /pub/cathouse/urban.legends/gif/whale.avi and there are
even some posts by Bob Christ inappropriately misplaced under /humor.
3. Sources?
John Nash (jnash@nyx10.cs.du.edu) collects pointers to tasteless WWW
home pages (comp.infosystems.www will tell you what that is). Make use
of his excellent service, and expand it, you cunt.
http://www.achilles.net/~jhn/alt.tasteless.html
Details in his monthly posting on the subject: _Alt.tasteless WWW
FAQ_.
You can get the Roadkill Calendar by sending $7 to:
Jeanie M
Box 52 _Penises of the Animal Kingdom_ poster, $11:
Valhalla, NY 10595 Scientific Novelty Co
Post Office Box 673
Bloomington, IN 47402
(812) 331-8744.
Archie McPhee
Outfitters of Popular Culture
P.O. Box 30852
Seattle, WA 98103 USA
(206) 782-2344; should also be able to deliver a good number of
tasteless things (blow up mosquitos and the like).
4. Flames?
Tedious, aren't they? Some can elevate it to an art form
(alt.flame/talk.bizarre '91 and '92, alt.peeves '93 and '94). If you
can too, flame away.
5. Crossposting?
Even worse. Sadly you can't easily kill crossposters. But most news
readers posses a kill file feature. That is, you can tell it what kind
of postings you dislike (by author, subject or number of groups
crossposted to) and you'll never be bothered by the crap again.
The most useful way to set your kill file is to let it kill anything
that is crossposted to more than three groups. You simply won't miss
anything by employing this filter. You'll just get rid of spamming and
the useless articles they pull along. In a news reader like trn put
/^Newsgroups: .*,.*,.*/h:j in a file called News/alt/tasteless/KILL.
Other news readers can do the same trick. Just teach them.
6. Newsgroup Invasions.
Freaking out normal people with our hideousness has a long tradition
in alt.tasteless. The first recorded a.t. NI was Rauli Lauhanen's
one-man invasion of talk.abortion, talk.rape and soc.motts, Dec 13th
1991. He told alt.tasteless that he was about to invade the
faggot/lesbian/religious fundamentalist groups using his new account.
On Dec 17th he posted a series of highly offensive rants/stories the
first being:
From: cunt@cc.tut.fi (Lauhanen Rauli)
Newsgroups: talk.abortion,talk.rape,soc.motss,alt.tasteless
Subject: Re: Homosexuality and Rape
Summary: Also women have the right to be raped !
They all got cancelled, and he lost the account (temporarily).
Rec.pets.cats was first targetted as a deserving havoc spot in March
'93, and war was declared. On the front line we found:
From: markp@noncomf.tdkcs.waterloo.on.ca (Mark A. Pitcher)
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
Subject: WAR PROGRESS REPORT: A.T. vs R.P.C.
But the hardest (and most publicised) battle was that in September in-
stigated Adam Steele (adam@cs.concordia.ca), with Trashcan Man
(tobio@panix.com) doing the hardest work, and losing his student ac-
count in the process. Read all about it on his home page
http://www.cc.columbia.edu/~ct22/index.html. Or at wired at
http://www.hotwired.com/wired/2.05/departments/electrosphere/
alt.tasteless.html. Or get the std_pack from the ftp-site.
Before embarking on a NI consider if it'll be fun enough to be
worthwhile. Usually it won't. At present it definately won't.
Actually, alt.tasteless is invaded from time to time by clueless
newbies, some being professional clueless newbies who take pleasure in
pushing the buttons that starts stupid, tiring flamewars with the same
old tired, nominally tasteless imagery. If you want to punish them, do
it silently somewhere where you won't look like a fool. Old timers
know how to do this.
7. What is this shit-eating picture, that everybody keeps referring
to?
Probably hb2a.gif or hb6.gif, the most common names for two pictures
of woman pinching a loaf into the mouth of a man. It's sort of an
alt.tasteless idol, and it appears under many names. Personally I've
glued the two together and called it crap.jpg. But they're quite good,
actually. lortbg.gif is the small version that can be used as a
background on a home page. It should be part of the 1995 archive.
8. Aren't you all a bunch of 15-year-old wankers?
A 1992 survey fixed the average a.t subscribers age at 27 years and a
1993 survey fixed the average weight at 200 pounds (but that's an al-
together different matter). A 1994 survey then corrected the average
age to 27.53 years, and the average weight to 184.8 pounds. 89.4% con-
sidered themselves male. All were wankers, and 92.1% admits to having
beaten off in a public place. Ftp-site: intro.zip
9. Tasteless Secret Santa?
"The Tasteless Secret Santa Gift exchange" is a cosy seasonal activity
conducted by Dave Hall (thehalls@ridgecrest.ca.us). It's about sharing
tastelessness across geographic and governmental borders, and involves
you sending a package to someone in a furrin land. The 1995 exchange
was a great success and included nearly fifty people all over the
world. If you can't find a registration form in the newsgroup go the
the www-site ot write Dave.
10. Awards? I've heard something about awards being given out, and of
people struggling to be Mr. Alt.Tasteless.
That is the case. Every year we try to decide who to honour for their
efforts in the group. During the year you're encouraged to save nomi-
nations grouped in the following categories:
1. fiction
2. non-fiction
3. quote
4. flame [i.e. too long to be just a quote]
5. concepts [e.g. Mr. Lings fetal cookbook]
6. ordinary life [e.g. Jack in the box]
7. gif-image [from alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless]
Then, near election time someone, perhaps Mike Weber,
(weberm@polaris.net), will step forward and ask for your nominations.
11. Is there an a.t. masonic style greeting?
Yup. Pretend to wipe your ass, then give the fellow your hand. The
call for distress is "Will nobody help the widows son fuck his dead
father!?" This will usually give you all the help you want.
The tough guys greet each other by both blowing their noses onto their
hands, then shake with them, with the collective snots being squished
out around the edges. After separation, the licking of the hand is op-
tional. Only known to be in use in Australia.
12. I want to become an alt.tastelesser? How?
Possess, use and flaunt: A sick sense of humour.
Optional:
Get: As much as you can from the ftp-site.
13. I'd like to have an academically waterproof excuse for reading
a.t.
The book is called _Kritik der Zynischen Vernunft_ and is written by
Peter Sloterdijk. It might be translated to your language. The book is
about cynisism, the ancient and wonderful approach to life. It's
well-written, funny and astoundingly learned. Adorno in a good mood.
You should also try to get _Rabelais and his world_; by Mikhail
Bakhtin. It's not an easy read, but it tells you about life in the
middle age, a wonderful age comparable to our own on many counts.
Both books are translated to english and can be ordered at
http://www.books.com. Or at your local book shop:
Critique of Cynical Reason (Theory and History of Literature, Vol 40)
By Sloterdijk, Peter (Aut)
PUBLISHER: U Mn Pr CATEGORY: Literary Criticism
PUB DATE: 01/88 ISBN: 0816615861
BINDING: Paperback PRICE U.S.: $19.95
Rabelais and His World
By Bakhtin, Mikhail (Aut)
PUBLISHER: Indiana University Press CATEGORY: Literature Classics
PUB DATE: 08/84 ISBN: 0253203414
BINDING: Paperback PRICE U.S.: $15.95
| OTHER DOCUMENTS WORTH A LOOK:
(All to be found in news.answers as monthly postings... perhaps)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,news.answers
Subject: Welcome to talk.bizarre! (Monthly Posting)
Summary:
o Before posting, read the group for a couple of months. Get to know
who is posting and what kind of things are considered funny.
o Ask yourself why you want to post. Is it to impress us all with what
a red-hot, hip individual you are? If so, you may want to consider
moving to another group.
o Remember that about 90% of the stuff on this group is crap, and if
your article is not in the top 10% then it is probably crap as well.
If you are still convinced that the majority of readers on the group
will enjoy your dry and subtle wit, then post.
Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
Subject: Answers to Frequently Asked Questions
Summary: Shit ==
Contentless "me too" or "I agree" postings (should have used email).
Posts with many lines of attribution and a single word or line added
agreeing or disagreeing. [like cascades]
Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
Subject: A Primer on How to Work With the Usenet Community
Summary: of Things to Remember
Never forget that the person on the other side is human
Don't blame system admins for their users' behavior
Be careful what you say about others
Be brief
Your postings reflect upon you; be proud of them
Use descriptive titles
Think about your audience
Only post a message once
Summarize what you are following up
Use mail, don't post a follow-up
Read all follow-ups and don't repeat what has already been said
Double-check follow-up newsgroups and distributions.
Be careful about copyrights and licenses
Cite appropriate references
When summarizing, summarize
Spelling flames considered harmful
Don't overdo signatures
Limit line length and avoid control characters
Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
Subject: Hints on writing style for Usenet
Summary:
* Subject lines should be used very carefully. How much time have you
wasted reading articles with a misleading subject line? The "Subject:"
header line can be edited in all the various posting programs (as can
the "Distribution:", "Newsgroups:" and "Followup-To:" header lines).
* Remember - this is an international network.
* Remember - your current or future employers may be reading your arti-
cles. So might your spouse, neighbors, children, and others who will
long-remember your gaffes. And they can track you down using Deja News,
Open Text, Alta Vista and all the other new, powerful search engines.
Well then, end of FAQ.
T H E C H U R C H O F D I V I N E T A S T E L E S S N E S S 1 9 9 6
READ PETER SOTOS TOTAL ABUSE OR JIM GOADS ANSWER ME 4 PLEASE DO YOU CUNT
Last-modified: 1996/11/1